I feel the urge to write and get my feelings and thoughts out and down onto paper, er… screen. And I suppose that I feel like I’m finally in a place where my experiences can also be useful to other people. This isn’t because everything is roses and rainbows, but because I am very secure in myself… most of the time, and my insecurities are the type that need a good long workout, not just a quick jog around the block.
The next couple of posts will be a current status, and a catch-up history of the past year or so since I last blogged.
Anyone out there reading please let me know what you’d like to see here besides my own random thoughts – movie reviews? books? news stories? I don’t really know what I want to make out of this thing here yet.
I’m going to try to sticky this for a bit to keep it at the top of things for feedback purposes, when I actually have some readers!
Thresholds. Crossroads. Liminal spaces are the places between A and B. Between beginning and ending. From when school is completed to the conferral of the degree. When the seniors have left but the junior year isn’t done yet.
I feel stuck in liminal space. I feel like not quite an adult, but clearly no longer a child. I’m not married, but not single. I’m not quite fully poly, but neither am I monogamous. I’m still in a job I’m unhappy with, and haven’t moved to something different. I feel stuck in place at times.
I’m tired of being at the crossroads. I need to push on, I get told I need to push on. I KNOW I need to push on and move forward in life. I don’t know what is stopping me – laziness? ADHD? Getting comfortable?
I think I know what I want, but why aren’t I pursuing it? All I know is I’ve been exhausted for the past two weeks because my job stresses me out. I know that my relationships aren’t working the way I want them to, and I want and need to enact change.
But doesn’t that just sound so buzzwordy… “enact change.” It’s a great way to say I’m doing something without doing it. Time to move forward.
Time to quit waiting, quit hesitating, and live.
So this weekend is a NERO LARP weekend. I’ve missed playing my flirty masseuse character and am looking forward to selling massages on my BRAND NEW MASSAGE TABLE (slightly used) that Hound bought me. SO SO excited! This weekend is also my day trip date with Bear. I’m going to be leaving the event part way through and coming back later Saturday evening.
I’m excited and a little scared. I’m pretty sure our date will go well, but I’m worried about how Hound will feel about it after I’m back at the game. I think, however, that we’re strong enough to make things work. I guess I’ll find out. So yeah, scared. That.
Hound and I watched Star Trek Into Darkness and enjoyed it. A lot of call backs to the old series and a Khan more Space Seed than Wrath of Khan. I didn’t have a problem with the characterization OTHER than Spock’s KHAAAAAAAN! I mean, come on….
The rest was enjoyable and I will watch Benedict Cumberbatch do anything. Ever. Always.
More posting later I’m sure. But this is it for now. Have a good weekend!
I had an emotional, mental and if the amount of snot I produced is an indicator, physical breakdown Monday night. If I’m honest I felt it coming for weeks, but didn’t really know how to deal with it. I have had a panic attack before, and at least once in the past few weeks I felt myself starting to head down that road, but caught myself before it got that far.
Monday night, however, it just wiped me out. It was nothing in particular and absolutely everything that triggered it – ever cried over a table being in the way? Or the fact you forgot to put a bottle in the fridge rather because you got distracted by cleaning up liquid smoke spilled on the cheese and now you can’t drink it because it’s warm? Welcome to my breakdown.
Before I fell apart, I felt it coming on. My vest explanation – for the geeks- was like being an unshielded telepathy just overwhelmed by everything bombarding me. For the less geeky it was like being one raw exposed nerve.
(I was also off my birth control pills due to being out of town unexpectedly which was long enough to trigger cramps and all the fun hormonal swings… This certainly didn’t help matters)
Hound has been in a lot of pain lately. Luckily the pain right now is primarily a result of a procedure they did that should result in less pain and fewer hospital visits going forward. But right now he hurts so much that I ache for him. The trips to the doctor or the ER have caused a lot of plans to be disrupted. I don’t blame him for that, the cause is just part of our life together, but the effect is that meals can’t get made, the apartment devolves into a mess and we’re both exhausted. Not good for weight loss/healthy habits. Not good for my mental health. And it just throws everything off. Hard to job hunt when you aren’t home enough to even get looking.
So I’m making some plans, menu plans, scheduling chores, things that will make my and our life easier. I’ll be posting about those as time management is one of those essential poly skills anyway!
Since my breakdown I’ve been kind of, well, numb is quite right. I’m desensitized. Maybe my shields are finally up.
… And I’ll quit before I start making Star Trek jokes. Be good to yourself, everyone.
My irregular posting has been interrupted by a short hospital stay by my primary partner. Irregular programming will return tomorrow 🙂
This part will be easiest if we just start from scratch. So yes, forget everything else written before now. Unless I say otherwise. To be revoked at a later date upon my say so.
For various reasons I’m using pseudonyms. Because it amuses me I’m using animals. If you have a problem with it, well you’re not dating them, are you?
Hound Dog: Hound Dog and I have been together since the beginning of February of this year (2013 in case you’re not paying attention). We moved in together at the end of March and I am honestly as happy as I can remember being in a long, long time. We both feel as if we’ve been together for years. Hound is monogamous, but is making a huge effort – and believe me it is huge- to be OK with my polyamory. I anticipate writing some about the mono-poly struggle as we go along. But we’re being brief and summarizing here! Hound is older than I am by a little over a decade. He was in a bad accident about six years ago, and this has left him with ongoing medical and physical problems. That too has an effect on our relationship at times. I’m in this for the long term, but then aren’t I always? He brings me breakfast in bed and knows what kind of yogurt I like (I don’t, that’s another story.)
Bear: Bear and I are in the very beginnings of a relationship. We’re taking baby steps as Hound works on feeling jealous. Balancing the needs of a current partner with my own needs and also wanting to protect Bear from being hurt by any fallout is quite a juggling act, but I think I’m becoming better at it. Currently we’re at the point of having “day visits” and I’m much looking forward to our next one. Bear hugs like his namesake, and he also makes me very happy. He lives about four hours away but so far managing the long distance part seems doable. I miss him when he’s not here, but I also have someone to cuddle up with and snuggle up to and to love and kiss here. Bear doesn’t have a local relationship as of my writing of this (AFAIK, let me know if I got it wrong!).
Fox: I’ve known Fox for a decade and we started seeing each other somewhere around eight years ago. Now? I don’t know what to call us. I still love him, but we’re separated by 15 hours of driving, and I haven’t seen him in person for years now. We talk nearly daily, but not as often as we used to. Perhaps he is my sweetheart? I’ll find words someday. I call him caro mio meaning “my dear” or “my heart.” Fox is married in an open marriage and was already married when we started seeing each other. Love comes in all varieties.
Now you have reference material when I talk about things… and I know what names I’m supposed to call everyone!
The Geeky Cat
My friend writes this blog. She’s awesome and so’s the blog. I use my absolute minimal blogess power to support her.
Follow her while she plays ALL THE GAMES!
Zen pencils is awesome, but I feel like this quote speaks to my previous “Why” post.
Click here for the pretty comic and the inspirational message ->
RAY BRADBURY: Jump!.
I lie in bed sometimes and think about what happens if this relationship falls apart. If this developing “us” goes to pieces. If I’ll be left again, or if I’ll hurt someone as badly as I have been hurt in the past. What a beautiful gift is someone’s heart and how fragile it can be. How much power we give to someone else when we love them.
Why do we do it? I lie there and wonder why I shouldn’t just find a comfortable hobbit hole to live in and be comfortably and safely alone.
And all I come up with is that the rewards are worth the risks. The joy of loving and of being loved outweighs the pain of being hurt. Add in our tendency to allow current emotions to overwhelm our past heartaches and we find that loving grows our hearts and it grows ourselves. It is when we put others first without begrudging them for it. And it is happiness in the smallest of things. A smile. A hand on your leg. A message left for you to find.
So why? Because it’s worth it.
Transmetropolitan is a cyberpunk comic book series written by Warren Ellis with art by Darick Robertson and published by DC Comics. The series was originally part of the short-lived DC Comics imprint Helix, but upon the end of the book’s first year the series was moved to the Vertigo imprint as DC Comics cancelled the Helix imprint. It chronicles the battles of Spider Jerusalem, infamous renegade gonzo journalist of the future, an homage to gonzo journalism founder Hunter S. Thompson. Spider Jerusalem dedicates himself to fighting the corruption and abuse of power of two successive United States presidents; he and his “filthy assistants” strive to keep their world from turning more dystopian than it already is while dealing with the struggles of fame and power, brought about due to the popularity of Spider via his articles.
I’ll admit, I’m not really familiar with Hunter S. Thompson other than the basics I’ve gleaned over the years. But I’m about 3/4 of the way through Year 1 and I’m really grooving into it.
Our intrepid hero
Art: The art is pretty awesome. It does a good job of showing how vulgar this future is while being oddly beautiful at the same time.
Themes: What does it mean to be human? Is it the brain? The body? The soul? What happens when you change any of those things or graft on technology or download yourself to a very literal “cloud?” It touches on police brutality, political corruption and of course, journalism. I would certainly call it transhuman.
I don’t have a LOT of comic experience, but I definitely recommend this one based on what I’ve read so far. All kinds of alternate sexualities are present, and only occasionally used to turn down Spider, but it isn’t the focus of the story.
Polyamorous… Subject remains open to seeking multiple romantic relationships at the same time with the knowledge and consent of all parents. Subject is currently dating multiple people.
Pansexual… Subject remains attracted to individuals regardless of sex or gender. Subject retains her unrequited crush on P!NK and has been known to state that she “would have [P!NK’s] babies.”
Geek… Subject LARPs between 1-3 times per month. She participates in regular tabletop RPGs, reads excessive amounts of fantasy and science fiction, and is working on finding a a pattern for a “Jayne hat” for her boyfriend.
Girl… Subject retains gender identity.
Status update saved.