I had an emotional, mental and if the amount of snot I produced is an indicator, physical breakdown Monday night. If I’m honest I felt it coming for weeks, but didn’t really know how to deal with it. I have had a panic attack before, and at least once in the past few weeks I felt myself starting to head down that road, but caught myself before it got that far.
Monday night, however, it just wiped me out. It was nothing in particular and absolutely everything that triggered it – ever cried over a table being in the way? Or the fact you forgot to put a bottle in the fridge rather because you got distracted by cleaning up liquid smoke spilled on the cheese and now you can’t drink it because it’s warm? Welcome to my breakdown.
Before I fell apart, I felt it coming on. My vest explanation – for the geeks- was like being an unshielded telepathy just overwhelmed by everything bombarding me. For the less geeky it was like being one raw exposed nerve.
(I was also off my birth control pills due to being out of town unexpectedly which was long enough to trigger cramps and all the fun hormonal swings… This certainly didn’t help matters)
Hound has been in a lot of pain lately. Luckily the pain right now is primarily a result of a procedure they did that should result in less pain and fewer hospital visits going forward. But right now he hurts so much that I ache for him. The trips to the doctor or the ER have caused a lot of plans to be disrupted. I don’t blame him for that, the cause is just part of our life together, but the effect is that meals can’t get made, the apartment devolves into a mess and we’re both exhausted. Not good for weight loss/healthy habits. Not good for my mental health. And it just throws everything off. Hard to job hunt when you aren’t home enough to even get looking.
So I’m making some plans, menu plans, scheduling chores, things that will make my and our life easier. I’ll be posting about those as time management is one of those essential poly skills anyway!
Since my breakdown I’ve been kind of, well, numb is quite right. I’m desensitized. Maybe my shields are finally up.
… And I’ll quit before I start making Star Trek jokes. Be good to yourself, everyone.
-PPGG
(PG)^2 