I have been seeing Donovan for just over a year now. We live 500 miles apart, so “seeing” is sometimes a stretch. We met through a mutual friend, who also knows James, and were introduced because I was doing my thesis on this weiiiird topic called polyamory. (Long story, but I never finished the thesis.)
We have the biggest age difference of any of my partners, and that generational gap can be hard sometimes. He’s also married, and did I mention he lives 500 miles away? He’s a geek, and a writer, and the sort of pagan expert guy (technical term) who teaches (unless you are an unwilling non-believer girlfriend…long story.) When he smiles the room lights up, and when he puns the walls themselves groan.
When we finally met it was Beltane. And oh, was it Beltane *grin*
Our first few months were a whirlwind of gaming and geek conventions wrapped up with me falling for another couple. It ended badly between the couple and I and Donovan got the worst of it. He had to learn how to share far too soon after we got together, and then had to learn how to deal with a break-up..something I hadn’t done while still having other partners. Add in that the new exes are also friends of his, and it was a perfect storm. I don’t feel like I have been the best girlfriend to him…I know I haven’t. With the breakup, money shortages, health problems and just life getting in the way our nearly monthly visits turned into every three months or so. It’s the “or so” that kills things.
I love him, I do, but I dislike the distance I feel when we’re so far away. It’s our job to do something about it, but I mostly blame myself. Without Donovan I wouldn’t have had some wonderful experiences, and I wouldn’t have had someone to cushion my fall. (Here comes the sappiness) If I’ve made it sound like I don’t care or love him I’m doing it wrong. I love him so, so very much. Even if I frustrate the hell out of him. And I know the feeling is reciprocated…the love not the frustration. Anyway, i hope to be seeing him this July and to stop trying to use my words to express my feelings. Sometimes I suck at words.
Note: I’ve been letting my partners choose their own pseudonyms. Names have been changed and specific locations obscured to protect the very, very guilty.
James is who introduced me to the idea of open relationships. We met online, in an MMO, and hung out a lot in game. As I got to know him he mentioned that he and his wife were in an open marriage. Screeching brakes. Wait what? I wasn’t completely unfamiliar with the concept, but had never met anyone who was or admitted to being in one. I don’t remember if my first thought was that he was lying or not, but I know I spoke to his wife in game at some point and she corroborated his story.
At the time I was dating “The Ex”. It was an on-again, off-again seven year long relationship. High school “sweethearts” turned unhealthy adult relationship. I wouldn’t even call it adult, as it was very immature. Anyway, when The Ex broke up with me for the last time, James was the one I called and bawled my eyes out to. He was the one I visited that New Years and started dating shortly after. In what will be a theme of my relationships, James lives a significant distance away. About 800 miles or a 15 hour drive. We saw each other several times that first year and have settled into a habit of daily phone calls, including some very explicit ones, and yearly visits.
We’ve been together for more than 3 years now. He’s geeky, and loving and all sorts of wonderful, and our relationship has continued to grow and change throughout these past years. (Oh no, I’m getting sappy. Run while you can!!) For a long time I saw myself as the monogamous person in a polyamorous relationship. James always encouraged me to find a more local partner, something I’m typically kind of terrible at. But his philosophy was always, “As long as I can still be your friend and talk to you, I want you to find someone else and be happy.” Despite some of my depressive moods, James has made me very, very happy for these past years.
Outside of the sappiness, he also introduced me to D&D and I first dipped my toes into the world of tabletop gaming with my pixie ranger: Chase Shimmernyx and her Quantum Badger. Often shoved in mugs of alcohol by annoyed party members, but occasionally saves the day. And she totally pressed the big red button. Multiple times. More on her later, I’m sure.