I had an emotional, mental and if the amount of snot I produced is an indicator, physical breakdown Monday night. If I’m honest I felt it coming for weeks, but didn’t really know how to deal with it. I have had a panic attack before, and at least once in the past few weeks I felt myself starting to head down that road, but caught myself before it got that far.
Monday night, however, it just wiped me out. It was nothing in particular and absolutely everything that triggered it – ever cried over a table being in the way? Or the fact you forgot to put a bottle in the fridge rather because you got distracted by cleaning up liquid smoke spilled on the cheese and now you can’t drink it because it’s warm? Welcome to my breakdown.
Before I fell apart, I felt it coming on. My vest explanation – for the geeks- was like being an unshielded telepathy just overwhelmed by everything bombarding me. For the less geeky it was like being one raw exposed nerve.
(I was also off my birth control pills due to being out of town unexpectedly which was long enough to trigger cramps and all the fun hormonal swings… This certainly didn’t help matters)
Hound has been in a lot of pain lately. Luckily the pain right now is primarily a result of a procedure they did that should result in less pain and fewer hospital visits going forward. But right now he hurts so much that I ache for him. The trips to the doctor or the ER have caused a lot of plans to be disrupted. I don’t blame him for that, the cause is just part of our life together, but the effect is that meals can’t get made, the apartment devolves into a mess and we’re both exhausted. Not good for weight loss/healthy habits. Not good for my mental health. And it just throws everything off. Hard to job hunt when you aren’t home enough to even get looking.
So I’m making some plans, menu plans, scheduling chores, things that will make my and our life easier. I’ll be posting about those as time management is one of those essential poly skills anyway!
Since my breakdown I’ve been kind of, well, numb is quite right. I’m desensitized. Maybe my shields are finally up.
… And I’ll quit before I start making Star Trek jokes. Be good to yourself, everyone.
This part will be easiest if we just start from scratch. So yes, forget everything else written before now. Unless I say otherwise. To be revoked at a later date upon my say so.
For various reasons I’m using pseudonyms. Because it amuses me I’m using animals. If you have a problem with it, well you’re not dating them, are you?
Hound Dog: Hound Dog and I have been together since the beginning of February of this year (2013 in case you’re not paying attention). We moved in together at the end of March and I am honestly as happy as I can remember being in a long, long time. We both feel as if we’ve been together for years. Hound is monogamous, but is making a huge effort – and believe me it is huge- to be OK with my polyamory. I anticipate writing some about the mono-poly struggle as we go along. But we’re being brief and summarizing here! Hound is older than I am by a little over a decade. He was in a bad accident about six years ago, and this has left him with ongoing medical and physical problems. That too has an effect on our relationship at times. I’m in this for the long term, but then aren’t I always? He brings me breakfast in bed and knows what kind of yogurt I like (I don’t, that’s another story.)
Bear: Bear and I are in the very beginnings of a relationship. We’re taking baby steps as Hound works on feeling jealous. Balancing the needs of a current partner with my own needs and also wanting to protect Bear from being hurt by any fallout is quite a juggling act, but I think I’m becoming better at it. Currently we’re at the point of having “day visits” and I’m much looking forward to our next one. Bear hugs like his namesake, and he also makes me very happy. He lives about four hours away but so far managing the long distance part seems doable. I miss him when he’s not here, but I also have someone to cuddle up with and snuggle up to and to love and kiss here. Bear doesn’t have a local relationship as of my writing of this (AFAIK, let me know if I got it wrong!).
Fox: I’ve known Fox for a decade and we started seeing each other somewhere around eight years ago. Now? I don’t know what to call us. I still love him, but we’re separated by 15 hours of driving, and I haven’t seen him in person for years now. We talk nearly daily, but not as often as we used to. Perhaps he is my sweetheart? I’ll find words someday. I call him caro mio meaning “my dear” or “my heart.” Fox is married in an open marriage and was already married when we started seeing each other. Love comes in all varieties.
Now you have reference material when I talk about things… and I know what names I’m supposed to call everyone!
Zen pencils is awesome, but I feel like this quote speaks to my previous “Why” post.
Click here for the pretty comic and the inspirational message ->
RAY BRADBURY: Jump!.
I lie in bed sometimes and think about what happens if this relationship falls apart. If this developing “us” goes to pieces. If I’ll be left again, or if I’ll hurt someone as badly as I have been hurt in the past. What a beautiful gift is someone’s heart and how fragile it can be. How much power we give to someone else when we love them.
Why do we do it? I lie there and wonder why I shouldn’t just find a comfortable hobbit hole to live in and be comfortably and safely alone.
And all I come up with is that the rewards are worth the risks. The joy of loving and of being loved outweighs the pain of being hurt. Add in our tendency to allow current emotions to overwhelm our past heartaches and we find that loving grows our hearts and it grows ourselves. It is when we put others first without begrudging them for it. And it is happiness in the smallest of things. A smile. A hand on your leg. A message left for you to find.
So why? Because it’s worth it.