My apologies in advance for how rambling this post is, but read the post and you’ll probably understand why it is this way.
I’m broke, aching and worn out. Let me rewind a bit. I drove up to visit Will yesterday after work (yeah I get to work on holidays, go me…) he was running two test games of D&D “Next”. We had a blast, honestly, give it a shot if you know someone in the beta. I managed to make it up there without spending any actual money thanks to a horded gas card from two Christmases ago and a ten cent discount from a Kroger Plus card.
Will and his other girlfriend cooked a ton of food, brats and burgers on the grill, pasta salad, roasted potatoes, queso, buffalo chicken dip…have I mentioned my guy can cook? (Our guy? One of my guys?) Game was fun, and we got some cuddle times after. I’d hoped to spend the night, but we both needed better sleep than that.
Which leads me to…I really hate goodbyes. Why do I hate goodbyes? I hate being alone.
“But PG, you have three boyfriends, you’re poly, that’s not really alone, right?”
Great question. Yes, yes I am. See, I mentioned, I think, or will do, that my boyfriends are all some distance away. I live alone, with my cat, and have done so for over three years. I haven’t lived with a partner since The Ex, nor been anywhere near close enough to do so until I started dating Will.
I have tried, failing I think, to come up with a way to explain how this feels to Will. See, he’s lived with his girlfriend, formerly his fiancée, for several years. He’s a bit younger than I am and this means he really hasn’t been alone. Driving home from his place – an hour of trying to stay awake- rips a tiny chunk out of me every single time. I’m not trying to be over dramatic, and some nights are far, far better than others, but especially when I’m feeling the weight of an empty apartment, an empty bed… it just sucks. I cried a little, leaving last night. I hate feeling fragile (Frah-gee-lay…must be Italian) and weak. But I hate feeling like I’m manipulative even more. Am I just getting sad so he feels bad and lets me stay? So I won’t tell him I’m too tired to drive back and I won’t let myself cry while I’m still there.
Of course, now I’ve told him by writing it here, but c’est la vie. It is important.
Polyamory is awesome, but it’s not magic. My partners love me and I , them. But I don’t feel like any of them completely understand why I’m lonely. They all live with another partner. I don’t. I’ve been in long distance relationships for three years now, and it is wearing me around the edges. Honestly, Will’s relative closeness may be keeping me sane at times. So what is it like? Maybe it’s like going to work at a very upscale office, where there is fancy food brought in for lunches, free samples of all sorts of nice things, and you travel a lot so everything is expensed off. And then you go home and you make a PB&J for dinner. It feels like your ‘real life’ is pathetic compared to the almost ‘fake’ life of the job. I cannot explain it, I give up.
So, I am broke, because I found a negative bank balance on Friday. On the upside I got some of the fees waived today. And as I mentioned before, lack of money = lack of visits. I am aching because a lack of sleep and annoying allergies seem to give me a permanent headache these days. I am exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally and on any spiritual level I have right now. (Which reminds me of another post to make… later… much later…). And on that note, I think I will wish you all a good night in the hopes I feel better for tomorrow.